The mini series Adolescence has ignited conversations worldwide, bringing to light the growing struggles of today’s teenagers—loneliness, anxiety, social media addiction, and the relentless pressure to perform. We, as parents, are witnessing this shift firsthand, and often, we feel lost. How much freedom should we give? How much should we control?
Let’s be clear: our children will have secrets. They always have, and they always will. It’s part of growing up. But here’s the hard truth—we are not supposed to be their friends. Friendship implies equality, a shared level of experience. But they are still learning, still stumbling, still figuring things out. They need us not as companions, but as their lighthouse—the steady, unwavering guide that helps them find their way back when the waves of adolescence pull them adrift.
The Generation Gap: Accepting the Shock
There will be moments that shock us. Times when we wonder, Where did I go wrong? Who is this child? Just like when they were toddlers, testing our patience, pushing their limits, they are now teenagers, testing their independence. It is not a sign of failure. It is a sign of growth.
This is the generation gap—we don’t fully understand their world, and they don’t fully understand ours. And that’s okay. What truly matters is that, despite the differences, despite the moments of disconnect, we never allow the gap to become an emotional void.
Why Just Asking ‘How Was Your Day?’ Won’t Cut It
Many parents rely on the daily, “How was your day?” only to get a vague, “Fine.” (I wrote about this in another article—how small talk won’t bring real connection.) If we want to truly be part of their world, we must be smarter than that. We have to learn to ask better questions. We have to create moments of real conversation, not just scripted interactions.
Instead of:
❌ How was your day?
Try:
✅ What made you laugh today?
✅ What was the hardest thing you dealt with?
✅ If today had a theme song, what would it be?
Real conversations don’t come from interrogation. They come from presence, patience, and the willingness to truly listen without immediately correcting, scolding, or turning their words into a life lesson.
Stop Criticising. Start Guiding.
They will make poor choices. They are supposed to.
They will trust the wrong people, say the wrong things, believe in foolish ideas. That’s what growing up is. If we attack them for every mistake, they will hide their failures from us.
Instead of criticism, we need to offer perspective, not punishment. Instead of saying:
❌ You shouldn’t have done that!
Try:
✅ What do you think you’ll do differently next time?
✅ How did that make you feel afterward?
This doesn’t mean we let them do whatever they want. It means we create an environment where mistakes are allowed, where learning is more important than perfection, and where shame has no place.
Balancing Freedom and Boundaries
Yes, we must delay unrestricted access to social media and technology. The research is clear—Jonathan Haidt explains that the frontal cortex, essential for self-control and resisting temptation, is not fully developed until the mid-20s. This means that between 10 and 20 years old, children’s brains are wired for risk-taking, impulsivity, and emotional intensity. They are not yet capable of handling full digital freedom responsibly.
But we also can’t pretend technology doesn’t exist. If we isolate them from it completely, we risk pushing them into social disconnection. They need to learn how to navigate the online world safely—not be cut off from it entirely.
The Ultimate Anchor: Connection
More than any rule, any parental control setting, any monitoring app, what will keep them safe is their bond with us. When they feel seen, heard, and unconditionally loved, they will come back—even when they’ve messed up, even when they’re ashamed, even when they feel lost.
Our role is not to stop the storms of adolescence from coming. Our role is to be the lighthouse, standing strong, unwavering, guiding them safely home.